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Devil ChiccaEmotionally Cannabalistic! August 27 .....complexities arise, and here i am, unsure of which way to venture on through this life. it's not that i am unable to determine right from wrong, or what is real and just what is up in my head. it's not that i am unaware of what i want, and what i need in order to go on. it's not any of that. it's a mixed up void of emotions that deters me from going on with my head up high, and a certainty that this will all get better as soon as i figure this out. overwhelmed and filled to the brim with excitement, with joy, with longing for the day to turn into the night, and the night to turn into this.. this serene situation i've so beautiful constructed; and now here we are, wrapped up in emotions and desires that could never be furfilled. never explored. just this vast, empty wasteland of wonderous occassion. a marvelous feeling, a beautiful feeling that i have grown to feel nothing but hate for. my hands are tied, my body bruised, and i love that.. i love the fact it's taboo.. it's non-negotiable, and final.. a contract not so long ago constructed, but long evolved into more than what it was. and it's confusing.. i'm not sure anymore what to say, and i can't help but do the things i have been so wanting to do without the fear of self-destruction. self maniplulating fact into fiction, and reality into this abstract dillusion that it's okay to do what it is i do. and what is it that i do? nothing short of nothing, and i feel just the same. but i know better than to dismiss all of this as mere coincidence. as sheer fun, and good times. it's more than that... yet, you ask more. but what more is left to give, given the circumstance? how else can i explain to you just what it is that i hold to close to my heart, without the chance of coming off too strong? perhaps impure? or maybe i should just throw my hands up and surrender to this, and give it my all.. for nothing to be returned? and would that even be the case? could i possibly assume that just because i am confused about what to do or what to say, or what to feel, that you would not hesitate given the chance for me to truly hear your words said? to understand them, and to feel for them without anything hindering my better judgement? why must i be so fortified? building foundations upon ruin after ruin in hopes of bringing something beautiful out of it? tear it all down.. and rip the seams out from inside of me just to bleed all the confusion out.. just to feel, just to see what it is i hold inside so dear that enables me to feel without feeling, to breathe life in to death, and live without truly living.. what the fuck is this? what the fuck am i? and who the fuck do you think you are to do this to me? it's a torture i beg to be carried out.. that i half hate, and wholey love to take part in. our own degradation.. my own self-destruction.. time and time again. and right at rain, i am sure that within time, there will be nothing left at all to give, and i'll be at the same stand-still i was at before, with my hands in my pocket, only able then to shrug it all off, and walk on, empty handed, but probably just as happy as before.. or maybe it's just more assumptions i am secretly trying to deny, and perhaps nothing i have pre-determined is at all accurate and i should just go on, empty-headed and just allow nature to take it's course without my aid in disallowing such things to happen. i don't know. perhaps i was wrong when i said i knew what i wanted, and not what i feel. i am unsure of so much more that i think i have contol in, and more aware of the things i dumb up. my own sort of quarantine to prevent against such emotional pathogens seething to get in under my skin just to see how much i can bleed out for this. but who am i am really afraid of? it is you? i think maybe it's just me. August 09 For you..i hate the way you walk into the room like some big shot i hate the way you talk down to me like you know every fucking little thing and expect me to just bask in your glory, like you're some sort of god i hate the way you look at me, and expect me to look back.. and then you just look away again.. i hate the way you act like you know what's best, and what's right and what's wrong when you shrug it all off like it don't mean a thing, i hate that, too i hate how you open the door only to push me out again when you kiss my lips, and laugh it off when i ask you if it was real.. when you tell me you love me, just to see how much i god damned hate you well, i hate you.. i hate how you make me smile and take it back with one stupid remark how you can tell me black is black and white is white that this is what it is because it is, and that is it; is that what it is? i hate being with you, and feeling nothing at all more so, i hate it when you make me feel everything at once to look at your face and not understand why it is that i feel this way a sudden urge to give in and feel content.. i hate feelings, too ;) i hate this confusion, and i hate this frustration and i want nothing more than to open this shit up and give into you but i'm out the door again you say "let's talk"; all i hear is "be quiet" you say "i love you", i know that it's all jokes you kiss me, i truly don't feel you there what does it all mean, baby? i hate all your head games your stupid straight-forward, jagged edged ways.. a walking contradiction but you're always right.. perhaps i fell in love with the hate ..and hated to love or maybe it's neither and i'll end up just walking away and i hate that, too how's THIS for negativity????????????????????????????? July 04 A Place For My Head..Sitting here, lying in my bed, sitting here, waiting for death..
Tossing and turning, without a fight; wonder when I'll be able to turn out the light..
Inside my head.. I know I'm just dead..
Passing this time, with cheesy limericks and rhymes..
Going through the motions, with the sound of the ocean..
A smile on my face, the craftiness of grace..
There's just nothing in here for me, no way to set it free
Denied before I even had the time, denied before you were even mine..
Inside my head, I'm already dead..
And I'm screaming out to you, screaming out for you
And I know that there's nobody listening..
And I can't feel me breathing, anymore..
Body numbed, body bruised
Heart cracked, and heart used..
Washed my hands clean with the thought of you
Washed my hands, and now I'm done with you
And maybe, someday, somewhere, they'll be just a little bit more
And I'll open my heart, instead of opening the door...
Again, and again..
And again..
And if I said that I just didn't care, would you consider it fair?
If I told you it that it was nothing, I know that that's still something.
It's not enough, just a touch......
(Lack of conviction, swallowed up in empty space..)
Would you walk away, with that same smile on your face
If I looked at you and told you you're quite easy to be replaced..
To pick up the pieces, and pray for fuckin' Jesus..
Inside my head, I think you're dead...
Just like me, yeah, you're just like me.. May 29 "Feelings" I guess...And I did this. I created the ridiculous illusion that maybe, just maybe, I could get by without myself in this. And here I am. Completely stricken from any human or emotonal ties within this celestial imbodiment.. A soul within a cage, engulfed within flames... Burning, dying, gasping for air, when it's already pretty much fuckin' dead. As if it knows nothing better than to continue on wandering through this pathetic excuse we all call life. Well.. almost all... I really don't know what I would call this... It's nothing, it's everything.. It's overwhelming me, and for the first time in a long time I feel as though I cannot find a will in me to go on any further. It's strange to have feelings.. To feel something completely raw for the first time.. And then the second, third, forth... Finally, when all is said and done, I've felt this shit all so many times before, that I feel nothing in this. Nothing for you.. Nothing for the joy of feeling... April 29 Not so bored anymore. :Dheeeeeyyyyyllllooooooooo peeeepollless!! great weekend, wasn't it?! ;) Today I am going to Wonderland. SO THANKFUL that it isn't raining! XD Anyhow, weekend went by. My nephew turned 2 on Friday! Such a cute kid! He's really coming along beautifully! Wish you all knew how wonderful this child really is! My parents bought him his very own John Deer Tractor! Now he can ride along with Papa while he's on his! KODAK MOMENT! My brother got him his very own potty. I bought him some Halmark keepsakes. Needless to say, my sister LOVED them, him, not so much. The boxes were more inticing than the actual gift. Hee hee. Damari's daddy got him a motorized Cadillac Escalade... LoL He's is going to be so pimpin'!! Riding around on his little escalade, hee hee. He's worth all of it and so m uch more, though. No doubt. :) Other than that, this weekend, went out drinking wth a plethora of good friends. Nina, Cory, Cory, Taush, Bob, Kevin and James. Drank ourselves retarded and had fun in the process. :D In any event, it was great. For atleast me, I know. Bob wasn't too thrilled about all of us there, but we made it work, I guess. LoL Moving along, I should be getting ready to go to Wonderland now. We're leaving in like an hour. So until then, you guys all take care and learn a lesson from me. A bunch of beer, on no food and/or water, brings forth a CRAZY ASS HANGOVER! Uuuhhhh.. :( Hee hee
Later Gators!!
Kristen Rymon-Lipinski April 24 From the Depths of Boredom and Beyond...So, here I am, obviously bored, or I wouldn't be writing on here, I reckon, but nevertheless, sitting here, on the computer, brain rotting in my skull. Nice mental image, eh? Nothing new, still working the same job, still living at home, still single, still bored out of my skull even writing this. LoL Just got off of work, and no one is online, couldn't you guess? Sitting here talking to myself. Well, I suppose that is your update for this entry. Probably the shortest entry yet. ;) Anyhow, peace out homeslices, and until next time!
Kristen March 19 Song by MeI have no feelings
No thoughts inside my head
This life holds no meaning
An animated corpse, just longing for death
Again, and again..
Will someone tell me where to go?
What to think, what to do?
Things I just can't figure out, don't know
I haven't got a clue
I'm inside
I'm inside
I'm inside
I'm inside waiting to be released
I'm inside
I'm inside
I'm inside
Inside waiting to be set free
The only time I feel
Are moments too surreal
The only place I will go
Are the places I don't want to go
The only time I feel...
I'm inside
I'm inside
I'm inside
Waiting for her teeth
I'm inside
I'm inside
I'm on your side
Until your defeat
I have no feelings
So what's the use?
Just staring at the ceiling
Waiting for my muse
I'm inside... March 05 Gave UpPerfect little dream
The kind that hurts the most
Forgot how it feels
Well...almost
No one to blame
Always the same
Open my eyes
Wake up in flames
[Chorus]: It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me realize
It took you to make me see the light
Smashed up my sanity
Smashed up my integrity
Smashed up what I believed in
Smashed up what's left of me
Smashed up my everything
Smashed up all that was true
Gonna smash myself to pieces
I don't know what else to do
Covered in hope and vaseline
Still cannot fix this broken machine
Waching the hole, it used to be mine
Just watching it burn in my steady systematic decline
Of the trust I will betray
Give it to me, I throw it away
After everything I've done I hate myself for what I've become
[Chorus]
I tried
I gave up
[Chorus]
Throw it away
*Lyrics appear courtesy of Nine Inch Nails February 23 Blank....I wish I was blank
I wish I was blank I wish I could thank I wish I was blank I'd write a letter to you And there'd be nothing to it I wouldn't hem and haw On just how to start it I wish I was blank I wish I was blank I wish I could thank I wish I was blank I wish I'd stand up straight I wish I'd said things different I wish I'd said nothing Things would be so perfect I wish myself to keep I pray my soul to sleep I wish myself away I wish I was blank Blank - The Smashing Pumpkins February 19 For The Good Boys and Girls (Poem)A poem for me
A poem for all those who are with me tonight
Those who bleed and ache
Who defile themselves within this hatred
A poem for all the good little boys and girls
Left behind like a bad memory
Forgotten, long ago forgotten
Amplified by the sound
And desensiztied by good intentions and empty promises
All the good little boys and girls...
Where did they go?
We're vacant just like a hollowed out shell
But the blood keeps pumping through and out..
And out, and out..
Like a life to leave the weak behind...
Like a light that has gone out to give our gifts to darkness
No more good intentions
Or better, happier days in which we sing our la la la's
And pray for sunlight again...
The day has come to and end
And all those good girls and boys have gone home for sleep February 08 Beware! The Water!You should know (by now) really That this could end, really You should know I could never make it work Wake up Let's pretend, really Really Babe Do you like the way the water tastes? (Like God's fire!) And you knew but you could never say Then come forth 'cause it's coming round Round the water Beware the water! You should know Babe At least pretend you did know why It's not like you watch, so go on take a drink Really Babe Do you like the way the water tastes? It's like God's fire You knew but it was never safe Take one more 'cause it's coming round Round the water Beware the water! Beware the water! Teeth are dry From wind blows If you come drinking There you go Beware the water! Beware the water! Beware the water! Do you like the way the water tastes? Do you like the way the water tastes? February 05 Into The VoidI'm at a loss
All the words have been stricken silent
And I feel numb to the pain
And in this nothingness
Emerges an endless dark cloud
A black void of distance
Perhaps to alleviate
Or remind ...
Me of just what I am missing.
And although it may seem to help on the outside
There is no telling just what I feel within.
I see nothing...
I feel nothing...
Perhaps there is nothing in this.
And maybe it's everything...
A door cracks open
A breath of fresh air and some light
I choke and go blind at the very thought of awakening
Wake to the sound of your voice easing me back to sleep
As I tremor slightly under your skin
You're under my skin
A feeling! (Oh no!)
And into the black
Shaken like a leaf, I hinder behind
A darkness that fully surrounds and welcomes me
Because it knows not what I am or what I posess
A heart, fully cracked, yet open to heal
Yours for the taking if you so wish to just reach out
Kiss me...
And tell me everything is all right January 30 The OutsiderWell, atleast I got the job portion of my life figured out as of now, but I still feel the millions of other fallen pieces piercing me. I don't really know what to say. This weekend has been emotionally nerve-wrecking for myself. My cousin and her somewhat husband are in constant battle with each other over things I, in truth, just don't understand. She doesn't deserve the constant waves of instability arising from her unsatisfying relationship(s). And he isn't helping much in that regard. I have so many hopes and dreams for that girl, and I know she does too. I just hate to see her swimming 'round and 'round the same stretch of ocean, when there is so much more to be seen and had. It's rather depressing. But ah, she will learn. And if I am wrong about all of this, atleast she will have her first love, and a full fledged family, but she doesn't need JUST him to be happy. She has much more opportunity than she believes. As for me and my love life? Well, I'm stuck, really. Left having to believe in something that may or may not be, and isn't very reassuring at the present moment in time. But if I give up, then it will be lost forever, and I will not even have a chance to break on through. Ahhhh, when is it going to happen where all of the pieces just fall into place? Like a sign that something was meant to be... I am kind of sick of having to strive towards anything worth having. And even then so, it never is even worth it in the long run because it just falls to dust. Coincides with the previous entry that nothing gold can stay. But WHY is that? Must there be a time limit on EVERYTHING? Seems rather absurd to me. And no matter what I place my hope and beliefs in, they are never justified the way I deem them ought to be. Maybe I am just unable to be full satisfied with anything? That would make much more sense than anything. But it doesn't FEEL right, seeing as I feel happy atleast some of the time. Man, I speak a lot of nonsense sometimes. I think I am in love with the idea of love. I want it so much that I can't breathe sometimes other than for the glory of it. I don't want to move, nor speak, or think, other than for it's honour. And for what? Even then it represents nothing to me, really. Something I don't understand, yet have mapped out to a point that it drives me nuts just to think about. I have everything figured out. I know what I want, how it should be, and I can walk away from anything with such utter ease it worries me. I'm an empty shell half of the time. Pushing towards something that will never come. Doesn't exist. Is unfamilar to me... For what!?! What is any of this for? Why do I have to situate myself within a life I absolutely despise, just so I can die later on? The fact that I think about death at twenty is rather alarming. I should be worried about this when I am like 60ish... not 20. I'm so incredibly over-dramatic. I was crying last night about something that meant absolutely nothing to me. Well, I shouldn't say it like that. About something that lacks... validation. And if it isn't confirmed in my books, it might as well not even exist. No, that's not right, either. I'm actually quite disturbed about it. Yet again, that remark is directed towards a "you" as in "you know who you are" type of "you".... Not the same "you" though. My God, I must confuse you. Just think about how my poor brain thinks having to endure a life with myself... Completely all over the place. I guess I am just awaiting the day where I can count on being happy other than when it just happens to happen that I am in a good mood. I count on the day where I can count on someone else to brighten my day. It's fucked up. But in the mean time, I am sick of being strong. I am fed up with feeling nothing, and so helplessly empty. And I am so fucking god damned sick of hoping for things that just never seem to come. Then again, I am also quite impatient, and over-dramatic as I have stated. But regardless, that still does not change the fact that I feel these feelings. They are just not justified. Ahhh, until next time, I remain;
Kristen Ashley Rymon-Lipinski
Her lurid eye breaks free
A fury like no other,
buried underneath a handshake and a fuck
Cannot be tamed,
Cannot be salvaged...
Just another day recycling compost January 23 Computer Desk.Okay.... So here I am, same place. Infront of the computer, not really sure what to say to make light of this new situation. Last entry I stated that this year will bring new experiences, and yes, in truth it already has. Now, I know I, myself, am not very good with adapting to changes, and coping with the fast paced reality that this whirling world provokes in today's day in age, but this is somewhat ridiculous. Anxiety? Anxiously awaiting some sort of epic mark in my life that will turn me inside out, and hopefully brighten these darker shades of grey. I think I am battling trust issues within everyone. Maybe I made it that way, seeing as I, mysef (yet again), do not exactly paint the picture of perfection in that regard, but does that make me necessarily any better? Any worse; than any other before me, battling the same issue with the same background? I'm perplexed by indecisions, and the decisons that I HAVE made. Go figure. In truth, I want things to be the way they were when everything was 'fun and fancy free', but the young must descend unto the old, and make way for new youth. But who is to say I cannot be young at heart? Twenty years old, and I still feel like a child, unable to decipher fact from fiction, or truth from the lies. Is everyone lying? Is the world always full of such deceit? Someone, please, tell me what is real without the need for confusion or head games! Heh.. I've been thinking a lot about what I want out of life, and the same sad tune keeps playing, and my God, am I ever sick of this fucking song! I'm emotionally unable to let go of these ties that hold me back to a life that, in all honesty, probably never existed. Did I ever really exist? Who am I? And what the Hell do I expect by writing this over the internet in search for... what? For one of YOU to answer it, and tell me who the fuck you think I am? Honestly, I couldn't care less who you think I am. But if you think about it this way, you are only what people perceive you to be. Jonathan told me that once, and you know what, that is the best thing he has ever said to me. It makes so much sense. What does it matter who I think I am... All that matters is what you think I am, and that sickens me. You all sicken me. People who turn their noses away from anything and everything they don't understand, nor care to spend the time in on getting even the jist of it. Yet again. comes with the territory that people are afraid of what they don't understand, or change. All part of the human condition. EVERYTHING is part of the human condition. Perhaps that is why the human race is such a sad experiment, and will never stand the test of time. Nor feeling, or beauty. The only thing that will stand the test of time is down right knowledge that all things will surely come to and end, and what goes up must come down. A knowledge that I, and I say this again, myself, do not quite grasp. I want to be sixteen again and give it all a second shot around. This life, my life, lack meaning, conviction, and a downright want to be had. I don't want it. The thought of myself sickens me, and there isn't anything I can do to alleviate the tension I have towards myself. And if I could, take you by the hand (not you, as in those reading this, but you, as in you know who you are type of you) and go back through those blurred and starry-eyed years, and take us back in the beginning, would it be any different? Would I still hate myself so? Could happiness be had within such sorrow? And even then, thinking back, and forward, as it were, would I even truly want such a thing? I know that whatever it is I am feeling is not what I had in mind all those nights I spent lying in te grass, staring into space, dreaming about how my life would be at twenty. I have too many dreams to just let it slip away, unknown to myself. I am unknown to myself. Fucking disgusting. I need you in my life now, more than I ever have, and I can't even bother to pick up the phone to say "hello". Explain that, okay! It's all been said. It's all done. What else is there left to do, but pick up the pieces and move on? Or... pick up the phone.. January 02 It's been a while...A new year, yet again... new beginnings, new experiences; a whole year of opportunity for change, advancement, recreation, reanimation, rebirth... A new life? I wish I had all the answers to what it holds, instead of going out on a limb for something better. Something real, full of promise and perhaps meaning. Life just doesn't feel worth living with the lack of meaning behind it. It's been a while since I believed in something more than just going through the motions, in search of that inner light. Something to wake me up each day and say "Yeah, this is where I want to be in my life". Still going to be forever until I reach that point, still, but perhaps this year will bring me back home. I'm full of hope, something that has mislead me time and time again to my undoing. It never fails: the failure. Why must I be such an emotional being with out the emotion? I'm breathing without air. I'm flying, but I have no wings, only destined to fall, but this time I feel like I might have just got my chance to soar far and beyond life that once did nothing but hold me down into discontent. There is this foriegn music in the air, enticing me to dance. Begging to be sung into the air I am so reluctant to breathe in. I hear it calling me over and over: let go, be free, believe, live and let live. But what does it mean? Am I not the person I once thought I used to be? Full of that undying hope that has now been crushed by past grievances. I'm sick of being let down, being the only one who believes in fairy tales, and blue skies. Why does everything have to wither away without a trace. No more than just a whisper of an old tune that I used to sing out loud and proud, with words of conviction and assurance that what I believe in is true, and that is that. The last of a dying breed that tames unicorns and breathes in fire. Something so surreal, I'm afraid if I touch it, it'll just vanish and I will never know. This love.. This so certain probability that this is it, and nothing more. There is nothing else that this world could hold for me that has more meaning than you. Strange, n'est pas? Perhaps I am just too damaged to full comprehend what lies before me, wrapped in gold ribbons and a silk sheet... Glistening in the moonlight, as I look at you, and as I do, the radiance of the sky melts away, and there is only you with this illuminescence (sp), almost too precious to touch, too sacred to be a part of, but I believe. I believe in something more than restriction, order, common sense, and even time. I want more than what everyone else has; I refuse to settle for mediocre. Life is much too precious for that. Life holds too much meaning to just... be content with whatever; even if it lacks meaning, there is still meaning to be had. I have constant waves of joy overcoming me, telling me to just give in a smile. And the smile that overcomes my face, replaces every single grimace of sorrow I have ever had. It washes away the pain, and cleanses me completely, ready and fully aware that you are home. We're young, and the world lays before us, unopened and filled to the brim with wonders and many adventures, just waiting for us to sit down, under our Christmas tree, to open hand in hand together to share.
August 14 Heh.. kind of gay, but .. yeah.. heh..Somewhere deep I go;
Beneath the dubris,
Underneath the skin and ash.
Into the void, I go.
Unknown, in search of some sort of an adventure.
Something new, something real.
Real feelings, real pain.
Anything, everything, I beg for it.
I yearn for it. Release your fury.
Unleash your sorrow...
I'm here, as much as deep as you'll take it,
I can take it.
Only just to realize...
The hurt I carry is far worse,
Than I had ever imagined.. July 26 Cold and DeadSomething inside me tells me this isn't right.
The way you move and look at me renders me helpless.
It gives me no reason to see past what you think is called love,
With what in reality is just being blindsighted by infactuation.
Hope holds you to me;
The hope to believe in something more than what is really just a dream.
It's impossible.
So, I throw my hands up in defeat;
Lay the flag down and surrender to it.
What you give to me, and what you keep taking,
Leaves me to pieces when you walk away and tell me.
"I never loved you".
You don't have to say it, you know.
Actions speak much louder than words.
So, explain to me why my wretched ears won't stop the sound?
Echos of laughter and jestering ring through my head;
Enough to drive one to the brink of insanity,
To believe one thing whole heartedly and it turn out much different than what you anticipated.
You've broken my heart, you know.
What you've done is cruel and heartless.
How could you know what love truly is?
A selfish, deceitful game you like to play.
And I've played this game for all too long, my Love.
Much too often have I thrown the ball in your court expecting something in return,
And what is this you've given to me?
More of a reason to hold back all the things that I have waited so long to say.
This heart is cold and dead.
It lies naked; bare against the bedroom floor searching for some reason to want this.
To justify the way things are.
They are as they are just because they are?
No.
No. No. No.
Not me. Not now.
Give me a reason to want this. To want to hold back.
To be held back.
To be left with nothing.
To have everything taken from me.
So, how can you ask for more?
July 23 Don't know where this one came from but I'm bored.This body is filled to the brim with hate
An anger that begs me to be relinquished
I cannot control these thoughts inside my head
Too fucked up to fully comprehend
Too fucked up to truly care about going back
So far gone; I've lost my mind
Somewhere between reality and a dream I lie
Unaware that I am in fact alive inside all of this
A human being lay beneath the scar tissue and remorse
I can't take it back, I won't take it back
You can't make me take it back
I want to kill away everything I hate
And believe me... I hate everything.
So begone, far gone
Just get out of my sight and never return
And take all these God forsaken lies with you
I don't want them anymore
I was better off without you
Out of all the things that held any sort of meaning left for me
I can't believe I fell for it
Head first, eyes closed July 22 That's what I get....THAT'S WHAT I GET - NINE INCH NAILS
Just when everything was making sense You took away all my self-confidence Now all that I've been hearing must be true I guess I'm not the only boy for you But that's what I get That's what I get That's what I get That's what I get How could you turn us into this? After you just taught me how to kiss you I told you I'd never say goodbye Now I'm slipping on the tears you made me cry But that's what I get That's what I get That's what I get That's what I get Why does it come as a surprise To think that I was so naive Maybe didn't mean so much But it meant everything to me But that's what I get That's what I get That's what I get That's what I get July 21 A Poem by Me!Through the darkness he emerges
Like a black death, he infects me
Small fragments of what I used to call a life
Flash before my eyes in some sort of of a realization
To breathe, to feel that air fresh against my skin
He takes me in his arms and promises me mercy against the masses
Immunity against all things bad in the world
Never to feel pain, never to feel remorse
And what am I?
Aneamic and sweet so?
To be granted such an impossible request as not to feel
But I don't
And as I plead, hard and whole-heartedly for just another chance
Another day to go on with the agony that is my life
Unbeknowst to me or my assailant
I reach high up to the sky
Hoping for the answers, for reconciliation
The realization that home is where the heart is
And my heart is here with you
April 12 Quick OverviewSince I am really not in the mood to talk right now I will just relay to you all of the changes since January.
1.) Moved to new house
2.) Jon broke up with me
3.) Got kicked out of new house
4.) Nina is speaking to me
5.) Jon now is into this new girl from work who is SIXTEEN and continues to ignore me
6.) I'm miserable and fucking lonely
Yeah, as you can see, me listing those would probably be easier than ellaborating on it, and boring you all, so there you go. I think the main thing that is bothering me is that everyone has somebody else to share their time with and love with, and mine is just being hoarded insides and is now turning into resentmet. I want somebody special to tell all my stories with and actually care about me. Four years is a long fucking time to be denied something that everyone on earth deserves and hopes for. Jon doesn't care for me, and the more he does this, the more it is becoming apparent that I was nothing to him but someone to keep him from being bored and lonely. And now he no longer needs me, I have no worth to him. I feel like such an idiot, realy. How could I have been so stupid to thinl he could have loved me? That anybody could love me. Maybe he is right after all. Maybe I am crazy and a bitch. But all I have to say in my defense is that I honestly tried to love him, and he turned me away. Not the other way around. Fuck, I feel like dying. Nothing is turning out they way it is supposed to be. I try to be so nice, and polite to everyone, my friends and their friends, strangers, everyone I try to be pleasant to, and honestly I hate it. Why do I have to be nice when it is these same people who make me restless at night and not want to eat anymore? I am so stressed out, I want to go home, I miss my family, I miss Jon, I miss things being no so complicated all the time, y'know? I honestly feel like ending this, and I am sorry for those of you reading this if you think I am being a dumbass, or those of you who are scared for me, but this is truthfully how I feel. I need a boyfriend. Or a friend that just makes this all disappear because I can't acknowledge my life anymore and still be able to willingly call this my own. This is not my life, this is not my head, or my body anymore. It's just a shell I fear, sometimes. And I want to break! Oh, how I want to break!!! Everything would be cool if Jon would just TALK to me, and my family would realize that I didn't fucking take 40$. I know it was Ryan. It had to have been. HOw else could he have had all that money? I had no money and he had 70$? WTF! And they kick me out!? *sighs* Also, the last 2 guys I have somewhat become insterested in have went for either one of my best friends, or after another sixteen year old whore. I keep getting beat down after these youngin's. *sighsagain* What the Hell is so wrong with me that I can't make anybody happy when I am nice as pie, and comply with every wish they have? The one guy I had a crush on told me that I would make some guy very happy someday. Yeah, heh, right. Next day he's off fucking some sixteen year old drug addict, theif, whore, bitch. And I am not any better than that!?! WTF!? I don't do drugs, I don't steal, I'm not a whore, or a bitch, and this other girl is ALL of these things, and she gets picked over me? LoL That makes me laugh due to the sadness of it all. Am I ugly or something? Do I smell? Like c'mon people!?! I though people had better judgement than that! And this whole Amanda-Jon thing is REALLY pissing me off. I bet you anything he is all nice to her, and he is willing to talk to her, calls her all the time, talks to her when she calls him, goes out with her, and everything.. WTF!
I AM WAS GIRLFRIEND FO FOUR YEARS!!! Not this bitch! I never gave him a reason to be like this. I loved him like any normal person would want to be loved. I cherished him, and when we made love, it wasn't physical, it was us being one, and now he ignores all of that, throws it away, and expects me to pick up the pieces and move on. This just really bothers me, guys, I am sorry. I wish those of you reading this who have never met me knew who I was, and then you would understand. I am rarely bitchy, and I am always willing to help. I guess some people just don't want to be helped. Another thing though, and not to get off topic, but another thingthat bothers me is that he hold Navona so highly to his heart, still hasn't let her go since Grade fucking 8, and I am chopped liver. I guarantee he puts more of an emphasis on his and her relationship than ours. Sure he loved her, after like a year, we went out for almost 4 years, and he neve rloved me. I don't get this, This is just fucked up. Things would be a lot less fucking confusing and difficult if he would just be honest with me. I really can't handle much more. My skin is starting to itch.
Kristen January 04 January 4th, 2006Dear Readers, once more;
Well, Jonathan just left after servicing my computer. This thing is such a shit box. I needent have a virus for it to run like complete and utter crap. I wish the viruses would understand that, and stop coming to MY computer!!! I guess it doesn't work like that though, does it, huh? He's coming back over again after work to finish fucking with this stupid thing. I guess that comes with the territory of having all pirated software, doesn't it? LoL The saddest thing about this all would be the loss of my wonderous music archive. I worked so hard for the library I have, and yet again, lost. Errrm. Dawna called me last night and informed me that her and Gavin would like to remain friends with me which is pretty cool. Dawna and I are way too passive to get upset about all of this. Also, she has never done me wrong in any way. I hold no "beef" with her whatsoever. And Gavin, well, LoL He's just Gavin, I suppose. It's 4:30 p.m. and I have to wait until 10:30 p.m. to see my Baby again. Wonderfully enough, our relationship is working out quite nicely. I reckoned it would have anyhow. He means well, and I don't like hositility. No arguements there. *sighs* I don't suppose any of you know how fucked up it is to be in love, do you? Four and a half years with this guy, and sometimes it still feels like it was just yesterday. Maybe that has to do with my unwillingness to change things that I am famiiar with? I would imagine that would have some part to play in all of this. Anyhow, the computer is running a million times better than it did before, but the virus itself I believe is still on here. All the infected filed have been removed (this is what I gather, but I am most certainly not computer literate, as I think I have explained before), and just the main file is left undiscovered. That is what he has to fix when he comes back. I want to go to Sunrise soon and buy some new c.d.'s!!!! Yay! I get paid Friday, and well, I need a mp3 player and some new c.d.'s. :) Heh, me and my music, eh? It's like an obsession not to be left in silence to some degree. Music also, is so pretty, wouldn't you agree? I mean, listen to Chino's voice from Deftones! It's like a bell, sometimes. And James Keenan Maynard? He is the best lyricist I have ever heard. I guess it does depend on your definition of good music, and personal preference for the genre of rock (for myself, I mean), that really depends on what you like, but damn, all hard rock fans should agree with me on that one! In any event, I am going to go watch a movie and talk to you all later! With my love and affection, I remain yours;
Kristen A. Rymon-Lipinski December 19 Christmas is almost here!!!!!!Yes, you heard correctly. Christmas is underway for all the blasphemous, materialistic pigs of society. This year, I would like to thank God for all of His blessings which include, but not limited to: the return of the Backstreet Boys, George W. Bush's elloquent campaign to become Master of the Universe, another season of American Idol, and the great idea of mass-commercialism (as usual). Heh. It's not all that bad, I must say. Christmas brings us together, it warms our hearts enough for us to open our wallets to think we are better people because we spent our hard earned dollars on other people, when the other people only buy you crap you don't need worth equal to, or greater than what you spent, so really, you're not really losing anything. The money you did spend, you gained in worthless crap given to you by other people. Yeah, you can clearly see that I, Kristen, have an exceptional amount of Christmas spirit. Yaaaaay!
Actually, I have to say, I do enjoy Christmas to some extent. I love the food, I love my family... I love the idea of eating chocolate before noon. This year's Christmas is a little more different than usual. I don't have my best friend. Heh... Life goes on, as it always does. I still have yet to figure out what to buy for Jon. My family is the easy part. Jon, well, he's kind of picky. Hmmm, anyway. I have to get ready for work now. I've worked the last 3 days in a row full time shifts... crazy, huh??? Well, talk to you all later.... Arrividerci.
Kristen.
p.s. MY COMPUTER IS STILL FUCKED!! December 18 URGH! #*!&&$^Well, it's happened again. My computer is fucked. Grrrr, this always happens with me!!! After I just basically regained all library of music and everything it fucks up. I guess the fact that I had close to 1,000 songs on here had something to do with it. It never was this touchy before though. And we had WAY more than 1,000 songs on here. Now, undoubtedly, I have to reformat my hard drive, YET AGAIN, and well, to be honest, I don't know the first thing in going about doing that. I need someone who knows what they are doing to do it this time. The last few times I had idiots do it, and it just made things worse. *sighs* I don't know what I will do with my time without this thing. *growls* I keep getting these error messages like every minute basically telling me that there are critical errors in my C: WINDOWS32 file, whatever that means. I do know, however, that the windows32 file is a very important folder/file/thingy majig and now my computer is completely thwarted... I just finished writing down all those songs that you never think to download so atleast I'll have some decent songs when I return back to my downloading music franchise. GRRRRR! This is so frustrating! I hate just being a sitting duck not having the ability to aid my precious baby. :( I love my computer... It's.. my.. BABY!!! And now I have no way of making it feel okay again. I need to start boning up on the computer knowledge, but I have no capacity in my brain for that sort of thing. I am not mathematical in any context. I am such a dunce with math. Ha ha. Really, you guys have no idea. I don't know how long my computer will be operational for, so incase I'm not online for a while, you guys all know what happened to me.
Your truly; Kristen A. Rymon-Lipinski December 16 "High on the waves you made for us... but not since you left have the waves come."Well, my fellow readers, another post in my oh so "interesting" blog. Ha ha. I don't even think I could possibly persuade you that that is true. Heh. I have one thing to say to all of you... DOWNLOAD THIS SONG!!!!
"Anniversary of an Unintersting Event" by The Deftones or "Ever (Foriegn Flag)" by Team Sleep. Wicked songs. These songs I have been listening to on repeat for the last week or so, and I have to say, that Deftones song... wow...just wow. Yeah, the beginning of this post is absolutely brutal... I guess I really have nothing to say right now. Nothing new, nothing special. I am still without friends, however I did find out that Dawna doesn't hate me like I thought she did, which is nice. Still doesn't change the fact that I have to endure this life alone. Well, that is not exactly correct. I have the best thing I could possibly have.. my sweet Pumpkinseed of a lover. I spent the night over there last night for the second time in the last month, really, and I don't know how he does it, but he always makes everything seem so much brighter than what I know it really is.... His opinion and feelings matter to me more than most things could. Iunno, I highly value what he says to me because I know he isn't an idiot like most of the people in this city and isn't corrupt like the rest. *smiles* He really is a good human being, you know. I don't know what is going to happen, as I never really do, but I have to say, I didn't think my heart could beat like this again. I completely forgot that there are more important things out there than being depressed and self-indulgence. I'm scared though, I must confess... He is such a great guy, but sometimes he just isn't that way. He is a complete and utter ass (as you all well know if you have read my previous entries this year), and I wonder so much what I'll do if it fails again. Or what if I'm not good enough for him, and he finds another girl to take his interest? I'd be heartbroken to say the least. I suppose that you can't have that kind of mentality going into a relationship or it'll be destined for failure. I am sick of failing, and letting people down. And as I have declared before, I know we can work. I have to be patient though, and not such a spazz. He deserves to be treated right, and I must abide by that. However, the same rules apply for him. I guess the only reason I am ranting so much about him right now is because I did have a wonderful night last night. God, I wish I could have stayed there in his arms forever... or, atleast a bit longer than that. *smiles* It's 10:30 p.m. right now; he gets off work at 11:30 p.m. and will undoubtedly be exhausted as we did not sleep until 7:30 this morning. :), I cannot wait until I speak with him before I go to bed. *smilesAGAIN* See! This is what he does to me! I wish he understood that. Sometimes he tells me he thinks he doesn't make me happy, but he does. He really does. Happier than I thought I ever could be, or deserved to be. But this is real, for once, something in my life with goodness, is real. I wonder if I'll wake up someday and possibly realize that it really WASN'T real at all. In the event of that, well, that would quite suck to be honest, but yet again, life goes on. I know I come down on him too hard a lot, but it's because I actually care. It's not because I want to be a bitch about things, but because I love him and I want him to understand that we can be better than that. I'd do anything for him. Yeah, that's right Jon, ANYTHING. *winksandlaughs* Ah, well. My heart is filled with this wonderful uplifting spirit that everything, no matter how bleek right now, will be okay. It will be okay. Oh, I would give anything to be in his arms once again tonight; to belong to him even for a night. *sighsandsmiles* Wow.. I am so happy right now.. This is ridiculous. Thank-you...
With all my heart; Kristen A. Rymon-Lipinski |
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